Nature And Life
This graphic is amazing to me. It says so much about who we really are.
I remember when I felt utterly lost in life and didn’t even know there was such a thing as a Tree of Life, let alone that my mind, body, and soul were all part of it.
I was staring out the window at the creek in my backyard, I lived at a Bed & Breakfast at the time and the grounds were like Monet’s garden, they were so beautiful. Yet, I was struggling mightily with depression and overwhelm, everything seemed very hard and as I looked out this window, I remember thinking, “I just want to go home, this is too much.” “Home” to me meant back where it was warm and cozy, the great beyond, the heart of Source, basically I thought if I were dead, it wouldn’t be hard anymore.
I never would have taken my life, but I sure thought about the relief of escaping more than I care to admit. At the same time, I knew that my heart and soul made a clear choice to be in this body and life at this time. I was stuck between a rock and hard place as they say. Betwixt and between.
I’ve been good at getting stuck betwixt and between in lots of places in my life. And it seems to take forever to get unstuck. Once I do get it, I can move, but man that stuck place is really hard. Those are my most depressing times for sure.
That ‘window moment’ happened in my later 20’s when all I’d managed up until that point were several full-presence life moments that were as close to bliss as I could imagine, then just as quickly they were gone. They came and went in the blink of an eye.
Once I felt those moments, I wanted more. I wanted to live there and after several frustrating years of living in the maze of misery, I figured “going home” was my best option to have that. It certainly didn’t seem like it was possible any other way.
Since ‘offing’ myself wasn’t an option, standing at that window, I remember as if it were yesterday, I made a decision. I decided that since I’m staying, and since I chose to be here, and most likely this was a lifelong journey, I couldn’t keep yo-yo-ing between bliss and depression, I would have to find ways to make it more enjoyable.
Just making that decision and committing to not resisting the process took a huge load off me. I’d never felt so much tension before so the relief was very welcome.
Betwixt and between is that place where my old pattern/behavior is worn threadbare but I don’t want to let go because it’s been comfy, yet the new beckons. That gap between leaving the comfortable to the unknown is what I find to be hard. For me the practice has been choosing courage over comfy and when I do a bridge is built over the gap. As long as I keep walking, I’m ok.
I saw a documentary about a 78-year-old man’s life last night,, and he said that one of the things he “knows” (in that wisdom from living way that we come to know things), is that if we don’t do the work of moving through our stuck places, suffering is heightened. I can attest to that. While I still meet sticky places, the practice of moving through them better has been worth the effort.
It is harder to stay stuck than it is to do the work. My devotion now is to simply do the work. Choose courage over comfortable and walk over the bridge. When I feel tension, there’s work to do. Sometimes it takes a breath, sometimes a week, sometimes months, and it’s always, always worth it.
The reason I love the symbol of the Tree of Life is that I now know in my cells that’s what I am. That’s what every human being and all of life is, and waking up to that is my job. Living in flow with it rather than against it is the point of my life.
We’re rooted in the earth, connected to Cosmic Life Forces above, and in the middle is our core. In this way, life is constantly in a reciprocal exchange, and yes, sometimes that middle is messy, but that’s ok, we sort it out and keep at it not letting the wind or the rain deter us.
Looking at this image helps me remember what’s important. That this exchange of life with all of creation is more important than my to-do list, my moods, or the machinations of my monkey mind. I forget a lot, but I remember more. That’s progress to me 🙂
In Creative Love and Wholeness,
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